Today is a bit of an odd day. Good things have happened. Bad things have happened. I’m not sure really how I feel. However, today is so odd because it’s really the first time I’ve felt “level” in a while – no drastic mood changes, no (or rather, not too much) crippling anxiety, and I didn’t spend the day telling myself how useless I am. I got some stuff done, and overall it’s been… Nice.
I wrote yesterday about how nice moments aren’t really something I allow myself to enjoy, which remains true, but I am letting myself look objectively at it and see if I can learn anything from it. The biggest, and most shocking, thing I’ve realised is that maybe I caused this good day to happen.
For the last two and a bit weeks, I’ve been religiously writing here about following some easy steps towards better physical and mental health, and a couple of them seem to be taking hold! Today, I noticed myself consciously saying “it’s okay, it’s just a small blip, don’t let it take you over,” when there was a down-swing. I ate something bad for me but didn’t immediately jump into self-loathing; I focused instead on the good things I’d done today.
And, also importantly, my conversations with my dad are beginning to change. After deciding that it was time to try to cut negativity out of the conversation, I’ve made an effort to keep every message positive and upbeat, and it does seem to be changing the tone of our chats. I’m not going to throw a party, or consider all of the issues resolved, but I’m going to give a tentative “yay”.
OK, so it’s a bit extra.
I’m really excited to see that some of the things I’ve been doing might be paying off. While I’m normal enough to enjoy the accomplishment, I’m also reminded of how lucky I am to be blogging all of this now so that I can actually look back at all the good vibes I’ve been sending myself, and how surprisingly far it means I’m coming from where I started.
Tomorrow is jam-packed with things to do and I’m feeling strangely excited for it. The “excitement” might just be a precursor to anxiety (as it so frequently is), but instead of letting myself become anxious about whether or not I’m anxious, I’m just going to sit outside and enjoy the sunshine for a while, keep reminding myself to breathe, and (fingers crossed) remain level for the rest of the day.
To all of you, I wish you a peaceful and happy day, too!