The Battle Rages

I haven’t written a post in two days. It’s been a “trying” week. On the one hand, I’ve a million things to talk about and remind myself of, and on the other hand there’s a monkey on my back whispering, “why bother? Your thoughts are worthless.”

The battle for me – as in, for control of my own thoughts and actions/reactions – continues to wage on.

I was explaining to my therapist on Tuesday that for someone with depression, it is an internal battle; a battle to like yourself, a battle to believe that good things can happen to you, and (hardest of all) a battle to give control back to your rational side. I liken it to having a younger sister, toddler age, constantly with me and every time I have a thought, so does she, except she has no impulse or volume control and so her thought becomes a relentless, screaming stream of noise through which I can’t be heard. I know that the rational, calm, happy me is there but I can’t find her through all the noise and confusion.

The most important lesson that I’ve taken from the last three weeks of battle, is probably patience. The repetitions of “it’s OK, breathe, you can do this,” made me feel a bit ridiculous in the beginning but I’m learning that I need someone to say that to me – to jolt me out of my own thought vortex – and if I’m the only person here, then it has to be me. And really, rational me says, isn’t that what it’s really about? Learning that you can do it, that you can be the support you need to live a happy and fulfilling life. Patience is (gradually) helping me to separate myself from the toddler that is depression.

I hope my motivation picks up again tomorrow. I have missed blogging, I just find myself in a place where I don’t have enough willpower to start writing. It’s not a pleasant place to be, and that in turn fuels the feelings that brought me here, so hopefully doing small but significant things like blogging and cleaning today, can move me away from negativity long enough to find that missing willpower.

Good night, friends, and I hope to see you tomorrow.


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