Powerless

Today, I was powerless. Not figuratively – I mean literally powerless, because my electricity meter has been acting up and so they came out to replace it today. So, for about an hour, I had no power.

During that hour, I did some things that I don’t normally do. I sat by the window and watched the world going by outside. I ate slowly and my food was a secondary thought to what I was doing. I didn’t panic, or have non-stop anxious thoughts about things I need to do. I wasn’t calm, not by a long-shot, but it was nice. It was different.

Moments like that don’t come often for someone with depression, and when they do, we’re hardwired to experience them as if they’re one-offs, never to be seen again. Calm, peaceful moments don’t exist in the framework of depression, so if we find them, we don’t see them as ports in the storm, we see them as an oasis in the desert – beautiful and much-needed, but ultimately a fleeting mirage to hide the barren landscape.

I’m trying to cling to this nice moment, as the moment the meter-reading-person finished, all of my anxiety rushed back at me. I’m telling myself that moments like the one earlier aren’t mirages, and I can have more of them in my life, but honestly it’s so hard to really believe that. I’m holding on to the hope that I can get from where I am now to the eventual goal of happiness, despite not believing it’s really possible (the same reasoning behind buying lottery tickets, I guess), and I suppose that’s all any of us can really do!

One thing I’ve found which is honestly helping be feel a bit less stressed out and verging on a heart attack, is the series Moving Art on Netflix. It’s nothing but scenic shots of the world and relaxing music. Absolutely gorgeous cinematography, a relaxing and well-matched score, and two whole series (for a total of 12 episodes) to enjoy. I really recommend it!

Still hating Netflix’s new rating system, but that’s another story…

For today, sweet friends, I wish you all a day filled with happiness and beauty. Until tomorrow!

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