Hello, my name is K, and this is ground zero.
For anyone seeking clarification, ground zero is the terminology used to describe the epicentre of a disastrous event, such as explosions, hurricanes, earthquakes, etc. This makes it perfect terminology for me because where I sit right now is absolute ground zero of my life. And what happens from where I am now is absolutely a matter of live or die.
To explain what I mean, and how it’s not just a gross exaggeration for the sake of interesting reading, I need to go way back and explain the entire story of how I ended up where I am today. But.
I’m not ready to. I don’t think I can stomach going back through all the things that have happened and, ultimately, even if I do, I can’t let those things (and the versions of me who were involved) dictate what happens going forward. I can’t afford to. I’ve been those people before and clearly it hasn’t worked out well for me.
So, let me instead explain where I am in life now. I am:
- 33 years old
- Living with a chronic illness (non-terminal)
- Morbidly obese; current weight is somewhere in the region of 125kg (19-20 stone, 275lbs)
- Broke af
- Deeply depressed
- Unable to see a future for myself
It feels so trivial and narcissistic to lay out these facts that I’m sure a million other people have similar issues with. On a blog. Created to write about me and my problems. But.
“I need help.”
That’s my reality. That’s the stark and honest realisation that brought me here, made me make a blog, and started this post. It’s what has me making therapist appointments and joining the gym. I’m stuck in a place in my life that I didn’t pick for myself and yet can’t seem to escape from, and I wake up every day knowing, with absolute clarity, that I am killing myself with my own depression, and self-doubt, and shitty habits. There’s an innate feeling of shame that accompanies these disclosures, but they happen and they happen to all of us. I can’t necessarily stop myself from thinking these things at this point but I can own up to them, that I think those things, and work on never having them control me again.
What’s keeping me here, though, and will make me go to my therapist appointments and work on my health, in spite of the shame I feel about talking about this awful situation I’ve put myself into, is hope. So, fear got me here and (hopefully – haha) hope will keep me going. And, purely from a stats perspective, there have to be other people out there who are in a situation similar to mine and feel the same way. Maybe my hope can spread to them. Maybe I can give some of my hope to them. Maybe they can give some new hope to me.
Everything I listed above, aside from my age, is something I want to change about myself. But I realise that this isn’t as easy as writing a blog post saying “I want to change the shitty things that are happening to me!” So, I’m going to use this space to talk about things that have happened, things I hope I will happen in the future, and treat this like the page I wish I had but can’t find. I want this to be a place where I can inspire myself to keep pushing, and keep trying, and hopefully inspire others, too. A place to post the advice I receive, the things I try, some positivity for the days when I feel like I can’t do anything, and maybe even some food-related stuff.
For today, I feel like this has been a pretty big deal for me. On the face of it, there’s no hard work involved, and it hasn’t taken me long to do, but it feels like I’ve done something important nonetheless. I don’t feel proud or excited about it, just a sort of quiet hope for a better future.
And on that note, good night.